oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
