He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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