I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
