Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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