i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
operation have a gay friend backfired
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
