I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Boobs speak an international language.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
