I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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