Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
