do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
