so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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