i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
