That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
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Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
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If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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