The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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