i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
