i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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