i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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