my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My feet surprised me
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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