Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
