i think i scared a bird with my dick
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
