Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
