I think I died a long time ago.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
