If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
