it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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