You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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