I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
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