I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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