The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Can you bring me the toilet please
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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