I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
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Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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