Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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