I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Randomize
