I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
