hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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