I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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