Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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