No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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