Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
