So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
zippers are such a cool invention
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
