i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
