the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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