You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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