When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
