drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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