i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
