oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
