I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Randomize
