life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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