Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You've changed since you got that strap on
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
