Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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