did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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