Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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