phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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