You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
accomplished twins. life is a go
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
