Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
