There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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