So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
