Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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